fear
has awakened me with a slap
even saved my life
once or twice
with a cry of alarm
a sweetjesus tingle
angel’s breath
but left alone
unexamined
unchallenged
fear
is nothing but a bad habit
a closed fist
a black hole in the center of my universe
-- lsc revised 6/28/09
Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of intimacy, fear of dying, fear of bordom... What are you afraid of? What am I afraid of?
Skydiving taught me much about fear. About facing it, feeling it, then letting go. It taught me the difference between healthy fear and deadly fear. But fear can be so insidious, so protean. I want to unmask it.
I was afraid to leave my first husband, then terrified after I left him. At first I feared for my freedom; then for my safety, then for my very life and the lives of my children. More than 30 years later I still have bad dreams. But hey, I got free and I survived. In fact, I thrived.
What are my fears right now? What is holding me back?
For so long I've been afraid of other people dying. My parents died early, my nephew died when he was seven, a boyfriend was killed... so I've always lived with the grim reaper over my shoulder, or so I thought. But actually I've been very fortunate since those early losses. To lose a child would be so much more devastating. Yet my sister, and my friends DJan, and Jean, and Debbie have met that tragedy, that grief -- and survived it.
What I fear about my loved ones dying is... what? Let me look at that right here, right now. I'm afraid that I haven't let them know how much they mean to me, how alive they are, how much I love them. THAT I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO THEM, That my life without them can never be the same, yet I will somehow go on and continue to live without them. That I'm not in charge of the universe, that I'm sorry for all of my shortcomings and failures, that I loved them as best I could and will always love them. That I will mourn them, that I will feel guilty somehow, but that I will go on.
Another fear is a nagging one that I'm constantly swatting at. The fear that I'm frittering away time, that I'm not living up to what I'm supposed to be doing, that I'm not doing what only I can. And when the end comes I'll regret --- what? What will I regret? Not finishing that novel, that degree, not taking one more trip? The only thing to regret is not realizing I was alive, and realizing others are alive with me. I do waste time and I will die with unfinished business, unrealized dreams, dirty laundry in the hamper, dirty dishes in the sink. Just don't die without having lived, and realized you are alive, and sharing that spark of life with others.
Whew! That feels better. Not the post-adrenalin rush I used to feel after a skydive, or after climbing the mainmast, but a happy realization none-the-less. That I looked fear in the eye, said hello, then opened my fist and let it go.
4 comments:
Star: I think we all fear dying, or losing our loved ones, I fear it everyday, not my own mortality but living without my loved ones.
When I lose pets, I feal my heart is broken, yet at some point I am comforted by the thoughts of seeing them again one day.
I hold this same thought in mind for people I have lost, I know we will once again be reunited.
As far as not finishing goals, I do well do close out my books at the end of the month these days. Anything more than that, is just icing on the cake :)
Fear is something we all live with, isn't it? Speaking of climbing that mast, you wrote so well about it in your book that I can still recall the experience as if I had climbed it myself.
I made three skydives today, and you know what was missing? Fear. I remember my 99th jump so well. You were there, in that airplane with me. I jumped out before you, a solo, and I think it was you and Bob with a student. I still remember that jump, partly because I was still so scared, each jump. After so many, I don't have that dark friend with me any more, and I miss having it, because I was so much more alive after having conquered it.
I am now looking for that next challenge, and when you get to be my age, I realize it will probably come while I'm at the doctor's office getting the results from my latest checkup. But who knows?
I had more fear today driving the 75 miles home from the DZ. I also fear not having lived, but the truth of it is I already have lived more than most ever will, in experience as well as in years. I am grateful for that, and for friends like you.
Oh my, I think you summed up all my own fears. And you did it so eloquently. I used to fear so many things only to realize, eventually, that what I feared, never happened. I can't say I don't have fears anymore; just that I'm much better at not allowing them to consume me.
Please stop by my blog - something there for you!
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